Contrary to what my husband might think, this is not written in his likeness. Or his anti-likeness. It is simply an amalgamation of the stories I hear every day from mothers, friends, sisters, and others.
Somewhere there is a man who knows that rugs get worn out, paint colors change, and fashions and trends are followed occasionally. He is a fine man who realizes that just because you bought towels once (or better yet, got them as wedding presents), there still might be a need for new ones ten or twenty years later. He knows that kids’ towels get musty because they never hang them up and are often found in a ball in their room weeks after a shower. He knows that kitchen towels get worn out, burned, or start to smell permanently of garlic and onions from years of cooking with them.
He knows that sometimes you need new trash cans, because — you know what I mean — you just do. He treats Victoria’s Secret underwear sales like he does sales at the liquor store. Two for one? Might as well stock up. He knows that even though it is February, you really should buy the cute Target bathing suits for your kids because by June they will be gone or so picked over that you will be forced to buy them somewhere else for two or three times the price. He also knows that, no, their bathing suits from last year will decidedly NOT work.
He knows that there is a good reason to memorize your credit card numbers (and expiration dates and security codes) because when you are shopping online, sometimes you need to submit that transaction now before you get distracted by someone who wants a sandwich or can’t find a school paper. He knows that it makes more sense to order that random product from Amazon (even with shipping costs) than it does to drive around town searching for it with your limited shopping choices. On a related note, he knows that Amazon Prime is one of the best investments you can make.
He knows that chevrons, owls, cherry blossoms, and the colors of the sea are good. And he knows that birds are on the way out (damn owls) and vintage is the new black. And he knows that 11:00 is the best time of the day, as the computers and devices ring like church bells when all of the flash sales of the land go live for the day. He knows that the way to a woman’s heart (and eventually the way to other places) is to act as though he appreciates the story she is telling or really likes the new towels she picked up for the house. And if he can’t say anything nice, he certainly knows not to say, “Why do we need new towels?”
He also knows that women are not nearly as superficial as their shopping talk might indicate. He knows that in most cases, the women have to outfit an entire household and that if a woman makes the executive decision that new trash cans are required (and the budget allows it), he should shut up because who the hell really WANTS to buy trash cans? He knows that women like the challenge of finding the perfect thing and the feeling they get when they look at something beautiful in their kitchens while helping with long division for the 500th time. And he definitely knows what these are:
And he warns you, they are addictive and dangerous. Yet he knows that you will love them and he wants to share. I told you he was a fine man.